JMD Devotional 228 Psalm 142 My Chief Persecutor

I CRY to the Lord with my voice; with my voice to the Lord do I make supplication. I pour out my complaint before Him; I tell before Him my trouble. When my spirit was overwhelmed and fainted [throwing all its weight] upon me, then You knew my path. In the way where I walk they have hidden a snare for me. Look on the right hand [the point of attack] and see; for there is no man who knows me [to appear for me]. Refuge has failed me and I have no way to flee; no man cares for my life or my welfare. I cried to You, O Lord; I said, You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living. Attend to my loud cry, for I am brought very low; deliver me from my persecutors, for they are stronger than I. Bring my life out of prison, that I may confess, praise, and give thanks to Your name; the righteous will surround me and crown themselves because of me, for You will deal bountifully with me.

I don’t make friends easily, and when I do I tend to drive them away. I am a mix of melancholy, hypercritical, over-driven-ness and intensity. Intelligence is a blessing and a curse; my mind darts off leaving others wondering when the conversation shifted from the familiar to the metaphysical. I tend to complicate and analyze everything. I don’t know how to relax. You can sum it up in, “I’m just too much.” It leaves me lonely. And when things don’t work out; I am the first to beat myself up as if I was responsible for the outcome of all things (like God); I am too hard on myself. David wrote that Psalm from a cave, being hunted down by King Saul: I am in a pit I dug myself. Either way, God is our first and sometimes only refuge, our deliverer, even from ourselves.

Dear God,
I hurt and I don’t know why. Even when I try to do the right thing I try too hard, mucking it up. I am finding it so hard just to be. What is easy and taken for granted (apparently) by other people is insurmountable for me. I am such an odd duck! A misfit. An outcast. Why can’t I fit in anywhere? I really feel like I don’t belong. I am my own worst enemy; but I’m stuck with me. Please throw me a life preserver, and pull me into safety and wholeness. I am so needy I despise myself. Only You can heal my mind and emotions; impart a right spirit and attitude. Help me to see hope and value and goodness in my mirror; to love myself. Teach me how to be a friend to myself and others. Oh God, bear my anguish.
Amen

All (but*) quotes are from The Amplified Bible, published by
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Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation
*New International Version (NIV)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society
**Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. (Eugene Peterson's easy-to-read, contemporary Scripture translation)

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